A Maze of Thoughts
by TheDoctah
Summary: Dan's oblivious to Phil's feelings towards him. His own feelings -and maybe even his world- are thrown out of control once Phil brings home a boyfriend. Rated T for triggers. (self-harm)
1. Chapter 1

**Slash between Danisnotonfire/ Amazing Phil**

**M/M (at some point)**

**Rated T for themes of self-harm.**

**(Will be fluffier in the future)**

God, I feel so much more comfortable writing about fictional characters.

I wonder if Dan/Phil ever feel insulted some Phanfic writers portray them as cutting? I mean, I don't know how I'd feel.… Okay, okay in any case, I honestly hope this never **_has/did/will/does_** happen to either of them, they make my day when no one else can, and they are some of the few awesome and good people on the planet.

Anyway, some background. I started writing with my (best)friends, but we haven't written together or added to this in awhile, and I considered adding to the first bit (which was all my writing, don't worry.) All commentary is welcome, I will be the first to admit that I need help improing my writing.

Here goes.

(WARNING: May trigger)

Drawing the blade across his skin, Phil sighed gratefully as blood painted his near-white expanse of his arm, enjoying the sting and the following numbness it gave him in the midst of his turbulent thoughts.  
_Dan goes girl hunting. He'll bring someone home for sure; all he has to do is flash his dimple, or his smile. Makes sense, I'm not good enough. Never was, never will be. He'll never notice me. Not in that way. Guess is should be a normal thought now, Dan with a girl. Or a guy. Anyone not me... Another and another..._  
Phil watched as the blood dripped steadily into the already waiting tissues around his arm, stark white in contrast to the dark red running down from his elbow, readying his slightly shaking his hand to go deeper.  
_32,33,34…_  
Examining his arm as he made the cut once again, he noticed previous scars had almost blended with his skin, no distinction between the pale slivers and his pale skin, not unless someone looked closely, not unless someone saw the small, shiny scar that remained.  
_I'm glad I use such a small thing. It leaves close to no sign it was there… it's so small, it doesn't show the 'big' problems behind it. And who would notice them anyway?_  
Grinning at the sharpener blade in his hand, he put it back on his nightstand, devoting more attention to his arm.  
_No matter how much I want Dan to notice me, I really don't want him to notice these. That… would be… bad. I should head out before Dan comes home. Who knows who he'll bring back._  
Bandaging his arm, he winced as the rough fabric brushed the new cuts, the burn feeling better than the initial sting, lasting longer. Like a long punishment versus a small reprimand,

Shaking his black angular hair out of his icy blue eyes, Phil grabbed at the blade on his table, almost ashamed that it was so out in the open. Putting the small thing in his pocket, he stumbled into the bathroom, clutching crimson tissues in his hand. Suddenly feeling lightheaded, he clutched at the counter, glancing up to see himself in the mirror. _Ugh, no wonder no one pays attention to you. _Shaking his head disgustedly to rid himself of his giddy-ness, he quickly looked away from the mirror and around him,before flushing the tissues down the toilet. Making sure there were no signs of what he had done, he guiltily made his way out of the bathroom, flicking the light off with an air of finality.  
_Let's go._

Phil paused in the hallway as he heard laughter, male and female. The door creaked open after a brief hassle of keys, and Phil quickly made his way to his shoes, barely hiding the scowl on his face. The scowl quickly vanished, replaced with a fake smile as Dan entered towing a slim, pretty, green eyed brunette, his faded converse the first thing Phil saw before looking up with a smile, the pain he felt hidden, folded away in a padlocked chest behind his eyes. Phil's heart hitched at Dan's laughter, the pleasant, teasing sound, making his lips twitch.

"Hey honey! I'm home!" Dan joked, calling out as his converse hit the ground behind them with a plunk as he kicked them off.  
"Hullo. I was just heading out… Who's this?"  
The brunette blushed, extending her arm as she shyly stepped from behind Dan, her bob cut at a fashionable angle, her clothing girly with frilly white lace and a traditional, yet short, blue skirt. Phil smirked, feeling his stomach twinge at disgust with himself. _Nice taste, Dan. _

"Hi. I'm Aisling." _Aisling my .._  
Shaking her delicate hand, and at the same time glancing down to make sure his sleeves covered his arm entirely, he asked politely, his jaw slightly rigid with the scorn he felt towards her, "Ireland?"  
"Indeed! I don't suppose…"  
Phil smiled at her, seeing his distate towards her had no good reason. His eyes lighting up slightly with curiosity, flicking his hair out of the way to get a good glimpse of her._I need to get out of here soon._"No, I'm from England on both sides of the family. Right, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. Dan, need anything?

Maneouvering himself behind Aisling to get his coat, Phil glanced at Dan, who was still staring at the quick exchange between the two.

Snapping out of it, Dan grinned at him. "Er- no. Wait! Yes!"  
Phil wrinkled his nose knowingly, quickly getting sick of the act he was putting up. "Maltesers?"  
"Of course. I mean, what else should I want?" _How about me? How are you so blind?_  
Awkwardly shuffling out of the apartment and closing the door, he heard Aisling's high-pitched voice ask "Did we chase him out? I'm sure he didn't like me…"  
Phil winced as Dan's tone switched from being teasing to reassuring.  
"No, he looked ready to leave. He likes everyone. He just needs to warm up to them." Phil's cold demeanor broke as he heard Dan's smile in his voice, knowing that he, at least caused a smile out of him. Wrestling his coat on, he headed towards the elevator. He needed fresh air. _Soon_.


	2. Chapter 2, A drink at the bar

- (Phil's Perspective)

_I've been kicked right down_  
_I've been spat in the face_  
_I've been pulled, weighed down_  
_To the lowest place_

Phil plugged in, music blaring out of his headphones, loud enough to finally block out his thoughts, crawling in like black ants inking out the brightness and kindness in his mind.  
Resting his head against the cool metal of the elevator, he shook his angular hair out of his eyes, heading anywhere but the apartment.  
Unconsciously, he headed towards the train, with nowhere else to go.

_I could just… run away. Get a life away from Dan, from this uncertainty, away from all these feelings of depression. He doesn't know I feel that way, and I'll make sure he never will…_

After riding around on trains for the better part of the afternoon, Phil stopped on his was back home. _I suppose Aisling is still over. _Sighing in regret, he veered towards the pub for a drink- it a dangerous habit he'd taken to over the summer, his last resort for getting out of the house. Sitting down roughly on a stool, he grimaced at the bartender. "Hey, Phil. What can I do for you?" Sighing, Phil pretended to look at the list of drinks_._

_It's sad I've become this familiar with the barista._

"Hi, usual, please." Glancing around as the drink was prepared, he was surprised it was almost dark outside, streetlights beginning to turn on. People began crowding in over the next few minutes, evidently uni students out for a night, making Phil reminisce. It had been a few years, but he couldn't say he missed Uni in comparison to what he did now.  
Seb smiled at him sadly before placing the drink down. He'd heard enough stories about Dan to know how Phil felt- and why he was here.  
Looking down into his amber coloured drink, he didn't notice an attractive, athletic figure move towards him.  
Looking up quickly as the figure sat next to him, he jumped, heart pumping, quickly thinking it was Dan. "Dan? I thought you were with Ais- oh. Oh, sorry, wrong person." Glancing over the man once again, Phil didn't really know what came over him. This attractive person was nothing like Dan, with mildly spiky black hair, a toned figure and muscular arms.

_Phil, what the hell are you thinking? Not all people relate to Dan. You're going to give yourself a heart attack if you keep thinking that way._

"'s all right. But I'm Mike, not Dan. Who're you?"  
Extending his arm to the side, Phil smiled, nodding his head towards the bartender. "Hi. I'm Phil. Are you getting anything?" "Yeah, sure one sec." Turning to the bartender, with a gravelly voice, Mike said "Could I have a vodka on the rocks, please?" Turning to Phil, he asked, "Can I buy you a drink?" Lifting up his beer, Phil declined. "No, thank you." Smiling mischievously, he said, "but maybe when I'm done?" Nodding, Mike turned towards the bartender with a grin, taking his drink from him.  
_Holy. He's…cute? Phil. You like Dan, yes? Yes. But he likes someone else, so I…can. And I could show him I don't need his attention. Or myself. Since he doesn't know. Yes. He…Mike... seems interested. So why not?_

"So, what do you do for a living?" Phil blushed at the question. _How embarrassing is it to say I'm a YouTube 'sensation'. _"Well. I'm...a youtube-er. It sounds bad, doesn't it?" Mike grinned at him, relief evident on his face. "It's funny you say that, seeing my job is...well, I'm an animator. Graphic designer… major internet-based person."  
Phil's blue eyes widened in incredulity. _Wow. Someone __**that**__ good looking … on the internet? _"That is so cool! I never thought someone like you would... wait. That sounds insulting. I swear I don't mean it to be!" Phil flailed his hands in despair, his eyes widening. "Rephrase. Uhm. I would never have placed you as a designer!"  
Mike laughed, Phil's _adorableness_ growing on him. "Someone like me? That sounds slightly like Adele..."  
"Well, well I mean..." _This is going to be awkward if I suddenly admit to thinking he's cute. Not as cute as Dan, obviously, but that's a whole new level. _  
"What?" Mike tilted his head at him, taking a sip of his drink at the same time, a teasing smile growing on his face.  
_Oh god, what am I doing. _"Well, someone as, let's say, well-cut as you shouldn't be on the internet. You should be on posters around town." _Why, Phil, why do you do this to yourself? Putting yourself in these situations. Watch him slowly back away…_  
"And you're saying I can't say the same for you, especially with your eyes?" _Wait, what? _  
"Well, if you searched me up on YouTube you'd find out what I mean. ...I hiss at sunlight."  
"But you're here?"  
"Getting away from my roommate and his girlfriend. I suppose she's gone by now but now that you're here... I have someone to talk to. Especially one with a...Welsh -I'm guessing- accent."  
"Yep, I'm Welsh. Didn't know people could recognize this accent that easily..."  
"I study accents when I avoid my roommate. I can't imitate them, but at least I recognize them now." Phil said with a sheepish grin.  
Mike flashed a winning smile. "I had a roommate once."  
"Once? Did you murder them or something?" Phil wiggled his eyebrows comically.  
Laughing, Mike retorted "No, but I had the same problem. I had to get out all the time, because he was there with a friend. Or a girlfriend. Or even his mother, who practically hated my guts since I didn't have a good, well-paying job at that time. It got awkward when I walked in on them doing it. Not- not the mother! I mean his girlfriend." Phil winced, though grinning at the same time. _If I ever walked in on Dan and Aisling... I don't even want to think about it. _  
"That would be horrible." Phil said, downing his drink in one go to forget the thought, Mike ordering him a new one with the flick of a hand, the barista grinning at him.  
"So, is that Dan your roommate?"  
"Well, yes he is." Phil paused, scared for a moment that this was a 'fan girl' hiding their intentions. "How did you know?"  
"When you first talked to me-"  
"I called you Dan. Right... Sorry. I don't even know how, you look nothing like him. So, if you live alone, why are _you_ here?"  
"Neighbours are having a party. Without me. They'll miss my sexiness, but it's so loud I can't hear myself think."  
Laughing, Phil asked wonderingly "Why do they even have that expression? Hearing your thoughts. It sounds silly. Then again, I do talk to myself aloud so I can't say anything..."  
Grinning and putting a hand through his hair, Mike said "Who knows? … Wait, so I'm sitting next to a mentally deranged person?"  
Phil shook his angular hair out of his eyes, getting a glimpse of the hazy shadows and light in the bar before turning back, a grin lighting his eyes. "Oh. I should have told you. Sorry, I thought you knew from the beginning. So, warning, warning! Mentally handicapped person here." Rubbing his arms subconsciously, Phil smirked, masking his internal thoughts.

_If only he knew about the cuts._

Then _he'd think I was _actually_ mentally deranged. I have no reason to cut. None. Think happy thoughts, you're not alone, you're with Mike. And he seems to like you._

Ignoring the fact Phil was having a battle with himself mentally, Mike asked, an eyebrow hitched "What exactly do you do on YouTube?"  
_He has no idea. _Phil grinned, his eyes lighting up. "So many answers, so little time. You'd have to come over so I can show you. ..If you wanted?" Mike looked tentative, making Phil's face grow longer with every passing moment. "But what about Dan and his girlfriend?" Grinning at the fact that Mike actually listened to him before and had been considering his answer, Phil replied "Well it's-" glancing at his wristwatch he saw it was getting late. "…Almost 10 o'clock. She'll be gone or sleeping, and Dan keeps to his room, if you know what I mean."

_At least I think he does. I don't exactly stick around to see whether he has sex or not._

"Alright, why not. Let's hope today isn't out of the norm. That would be awkward, but at least it would give me an excuse for you to come over to my place."  
"I'll definitely take you up on that if… _That_ happens. It's only a ten minute walk, you up for it?"  
"How else do you think I have these muscles?" Mike flexed his right arm.  
Phil lifted his eyebrows suggestively, barely holding in a laugh. "Do you want me to answer that question?"  
"No. Probably...probably not."  
Tipping the barista, they left laughing, their worries forgotten.

- (Dan's Perspective)

_Where the hell is he?! He left five hours ago, and it's ten o'clock. He must've known Aisling would be gone by now. Then again, he's always out when I have someone over. Damnit Phil, where _are_ you?!_

Dan dialled Phil's number again in despair, wondering if he should go out looking for him. _I've read enough stories of people getting murdered in London._ Running a hand through his hair, he looked up hopefully as the door creaked open, wondering if he should be worried whether a psychopath was coming to kill him or if it was just his best mate. Seeing Phil's inky black hair peeking around the door, his heart leapt, and he was suddenly torn between hugging him with relief of screaming at him in anger for worrying him to bits.  
"Helloooo Dan?" Phil's voice resonated around the flat, a slight tremor in his voice.

_Why the __**hell**__ does Phil sound worried. I am the one who was worried. He was the one out having fun._

Slowly walking in, Phil pulled someone in behind him. Phil quickly moved to see them, stopping as Phil dragged someone's sinewy arm in. _None of our friends are that strong. The hell?_  
"Hey, Phil. Where were you? You were gone for quite a while." _Long enough to get me worried. Well. That and the fact that if something happened to Phil, I'd…_  
Phil's face brightened as he stepped in. "Hi Dan! I headed out for a stroll and I brought someone back with me so, Mike, this is Dan and Dan this… this is Mike." _A stroll. At ten. Right, well when this Mike is gone..._  
Dan extended his arm as Mike said "Ah, so the infamous Dan. Heard a lot about you." Phil edged closer to Mike as he spoke, and Dan's mind started to jump to conclusions he himself was surprised at.

_Wait. Did they hook up? No. Is Phil bi? Or gay? Were the fans right? What?! No, no. Phil's friendly, he could take anyone home, if only for a drink or a game. Besides, this guy could be a friend of a friend. But come on, out for a stroll and dragging_

this_ back? This guy with huge muscles and spiky hair? Honestly. Our friends…Spiky hair. Really? Spiky hair is for chavs or really cool kids... not...us, not even now as adults. So Phil has to be at least partly drunk, or something. He can't _suddenly_ be with a guy. –if he's…together…_with _him, I mean- He's had loads of girlfriends before. I guess that doesn't stop him from finding any boyfriends, but, hell. He would've told me, right? We're best friends._

Dan grinned at him, hiding his confusion, glancing back and forth between him and Phil. "I hope it's all good, but if I'm infamous…?"

"Oh, believe me, it's _all_ good. Are you a youtube-er too?"

_Wait, so Phil didn't tell him that part? They look familiar enough. And…_

_All good? What's that supposed to mean?_

"Yeah, I am, but I'm studying in uni at the moment. What do you do?" Dan tried not to glare at him, an easy-going smile masking his thoughts.

"He's a designer!" Phil answered excitedly for him, sitting them both down on the sofa, soon afterwards quickly jumping up and heading to the kitchen.

"What would you two like?"

"At ten?"

"Well I just had a beer, so I can say I'm awake."

Dan looked unsure, wanting some time to think over things, still reeling over the fact that there was a chance Phil was possibly bisexual, seeing all the glances Mike directed at him.

"I was about to head to bed before you came in."

"Are you sure?"

Stifling a sigh, Dan looked at the grin on Phil's face, and a strange hatred started to form towards Mike.

_I'll leave them alone._

Phil looked disappointed, doing a half pout that made Dan's stomach churn with guilt. Setting his jaw, Dan decided to go to bed as they flirt punched each other at the edge of his vision. "Nah, I won't have anything… I'll head to bed." _They don't exactly need me here._ Phil watched him go with regret "Oh, alright. Mike?" Mike's head snapped up, having carefully watched the exchange between the two in the reflection of the window, not liking how Dan was behaving towards Mike's existence; he'd noticed the looks. "Sorry?"

Phil looked at him questioningly. "What would like as a drink, or food?"

"What are you having?"

"Just tea, the beers are getting to my head."

Then I'll have the same." Mike said, smiling up at him.

"Really? Alright."

In his room, Dan sat himself down on his bed, not even bothering to turn on the light, wanting nothing more than one of Phil's teas.  
Dan listened as Phil shuffled around, admitting to himself he had been more worried than he should have been. _Phil is a responsible adult, and I can't control his actions. But he can't only have gone out for a drink._

It shocked him that he never thought about it before.

_Where __did__ Phil go when I have someone over? Did he always go see Mike? No, Phil said he went on a 'stroll' and brought him back… which doesn't mean he didn't plan it. Well, he's had a few beers by the smell, but not enough to be so drunk to randomly get with a guy. They must have gotten together at somepoint, seeing all the eye-fucking that had been going on. And Phil's worried introduction. So. Phil's… bisexual. What does that make me? Wait. Dan. You're straight. Why are you overthinking this? He's your best-friend, you were never attracted to him… and you have Aisling to worry about. What's the problem?_

Dan's mouth twitched downwards as he flipped the pillow on his bed once more, not sure what was wrong with him. _I suppose I'm scared Mike'll take Phil away from me. Yeah. That's it. But he won't. Phil has always stayed with me. And he always will. …Right?_


	3. Chapter 3, A restless night

During the night, there was a lot of laughter coming from the living room. A high pitched squeal rang out, waking Dan, making him fall out of bed as he struggled with his bed covers in surprise, the fabric tangled around his limbs. His chin pressed on the rug, he held in a sneeze, wincing at the strange feeling. Glancing around and brushing his brown hair out of his eyes, he saw it was only around midnight, and he'd scrambled his sleeping routine by going to bed so early- and waking up now. _Wonderful. Sleeping before midnight, and I wake up an hour later. _Walking out of his bedroom to see what was going on, he saw them on the sofa, Mike tickling Phil, and he could see they were getting intimate. _Hot breath against skin, palm in palm._ The rough fabric of Mike's shirt stretching against his stomach revealed a six pack-no,an _eight_ pack. Uncomfortable, Dan started backing away noiselessly as he saw something that made him reel in shock: ribbing, dark red lines, all along Phil's forearm. He only got a glimpse Phil's long sleeve covered them once more. _Phil cuts? _Dan wanted to grab hold of him, hug him, and throttle him. He wanted to know what was going on, but he knew that wasn't a good idea._ I can't, not while Mike is here. Bloody Mike. How the hell did I miss out on Phil cutting? Why would he hide it? Why wouldn't he tell me? What is going on that I don't know about?! Why would he even cut in the first place? What the hell? … Maybe I imagined it? I only glimpsed it... I'll see tomorrow, and leave these two to their thing. I'm probably just... imagining things._

Dan paused before heading back to his room, looking back at them once more. He winced at the setting: the room was dimly lit, and it was almost romantic; the city lights twinkled in the window facing the sofa, the television was off. All of this, paired with the previous drinks and cuddling, let Dan know he had to get out of there, a strange pit in his stomach starting to form.


	4. Chapter 4- The beginning of an odd day

Going back to his room, he rested his head against the wall, taking in the coolness, trying to block out his thoughts. Heading to bed, he stuffed his face in his pillow, sleep not coming as quickly as he wanted it to; he restlessly moved in bed, getting no sleep whatsoever, too worried about the implications of Phil's cuts. _How could I be so blind? I'm his best friend, dammit. Why is he hiding so many things? And I … if he's bi... no, no. Not important at the moment. His cuts are. Not you, Dan. You're so selfish. So selfish you're blind to Phil's pain. _Dan pinched himself out of the thoughts. Rolling over, he saw it was early. A bright green light shone 7: 00 AM into his face. _ Must have fallen asleep at some point. _Too early for Phil, let alone him. Or so he thought, until he heard a quiet noise moving towards the bathroom. _I wonder who's up? Did Mike stay over?_  
Getting up, he padded quietly to the kitchen, his long bottoms grazing the ground slightly with the slithering sound of cotton against wood panelling. Outside, it was still dark, snowfall muffling any traffic that could be seen at this hour in London.  
Grabbing himself a pack of Country Crisp, his favourite, and a plain ceramic bowl, he sat down on the sofa, and cracked open his computer. Scowling at the unbidden light, he curled up, the bowl of cereal in his lap as he scrolled through Tumblr and YouTube, trying to get his mind off things. That didn't work so well once Phil came padding out of the bathroom in only a towel. Dan noticed his close to emaciated figure and, _especially_, his arms, scars picked out and shining with the blue light on his computer. _So I didn't imagine it_. His voice trembled as tears threatened to spill as he noticed new cuts lining the inside of his wrist. _Oh god. No crying._ _I never cry. _Trying not to sound desperate so as to give away what he saw, Dan said "Morning Phil. Mike still here? I mean- should I head out for the day?"

"Wah!" Phil jumped in surprise, no having heard nor seen Dan in his corner, his towel slipping slightly. "Uhm. I didn't realize you were up this early. And no- he left early for his job since there's congestion around his work area." Phil futilely tried to hide the new cuts on his arms, hugging them against him before realizing he should go, retightening his towel as he went towards his room.

"Phil?"  
Phil's voice shook slightly as he responded; absolutely sure Dan would ask him about his cuts. "Dan, I know you like to see me half naked,"  
_Why, yes- yes I do. _Dan shocked himself with the thought. _Wait. Shit. What. No. His cuts. He wants to hide them. _Dan blushed, glad Phil's back was to him, his mouth open as he was about to respond, Phil cutting him off "but I need to get dressed before you ask any questions."  
"Aw. But I like seeing you half naked." Dan half joked, hoping Phil wouldn't catch on with this risky play.  
"Well, "Phil said, a smile in his voice "if you like to see me half-naked, you should see Mike. He is _ripped_. I mean, _an eight pack_. But, you don't like _guys_, but even then, you have to appreciate _that_." Phil said with a joking -yet mixed with something else- tone.

Dan's jaw snapped closed, an almost audible groan coming out of his mouth. _Of course they slept together. What was I thinking? What else would a tickle fight lead to? On the sofa? _Dan looked horrified, remembering he was sitting on it._ Oh god. _Turning back to his cereal, Dan found he had lost his appetite, grimacing at the acrid taste in his mouth, his mind switching from one horrible topic to another. _This next conversation … about cutting...is __**not**__ going to be fun. How will Phil react? Denial? No, not his type. Aggressiveness? Not his type of thing to do either... Damnit! Why can't I predict these things?_ A voice at the back of his head responded, '_because you never thought they would happen to him too, he's too cheerful to be like you. All people hide behind their smiles.'_  
Dan subconsciously rubbed his ankles gently, old and new scars flaring up against his touch as he remembered the pain he felt as he did then. He'd always been sure to keep away from his arms. No one stared at ankles. "Dan?" Dan jumped as Phil sat down next to him, strangely smelling somewhat like a girl, a plaid shirt covering his arms, his black skinny jeans covering his legs. No mentioning it, Dan shut his laptop turning towards him. _How the hell am I supposed to start? _  
"What?" Phil asked while Dan just sat there, not knowing what to say, awkwardly fiddling with his hands.  
"Uhm...I don't even know how to say this."  
"Say… what?"  
"That... I've seen.."  
"Seen what?" Phil looked worried, his blue eyes downcast.  
"Your arms." _Go straightforward, Dan. Be an idiot. He'll clam up. The hell is wrong with you._  
Phil smiled slightly, trying to avert the conversation. "Oh. What about them? Everyone has arms?"  
"Don't be coy, Phil. Lift up your sleeves."  
Dan slowly turned around, no longer facing away from Phil. "Please, Phil..." His voice started lowering close to a whimper. "I won't do it for you. But I get it... if you don't want to." _Smart, Dan. Make an accusation and back away. Sounds like you, the coward you are._  
"I swear there's nothing there." Cautiously Phil, bit his lip. He hated lying, especially to Dan. It was strange- he could never lie this well.

"If there's nothing there, then why won't you show me?" Dan's voice went raspy and quiet all at once, the hum of the computer on Dan's lap sounding louder than ever.

Phil looked lost for words, his emotions assaulting him all at once; surprised at the quick turn of events, angry at the accusation, and sad to hear the pain in Dan's voice. His face went slightly pink under Dan's steady gaze, not sure what else he would say. _I can't break. I can't show him my own scars. That would lead somewhere else. _Keeping his mouth shut, Phil watched Dan intently as Dan's emotional mask started to break, emotions folding into one.

Dan looked broken. What had changed so that Phil would lie to him? _Am I really that bad? Why doesn't he trust me anymore?_ Dan's shoulders sagged. _Fine. He'll... he'll tell me in his own time. _  
"Fine, Phil... If you don't want to show or...tell, that … that's up to you. But you have to know that I don't care... about the cuts, I mean. I'll still be there for you whatever happens." Phil placed his hand to his face, hiding his emotions; he regretted lying to Dan, who was obviously very hurt by it. He'd only hidden them because he didn't know how Dan would react, and this was not how he'd pictured it. Neither of them knew what to say.  
_Oh crap. Oh crap. Oh crap. This is bad. What do I say now?_

"Phil..." he tried again.  
"What, Dan?! What do you want?" Phil's lips trembled, slowly inching away from Dan, praying his eyes wouldn't give him away. "I don't see why you should care now? It's not like you did before." _Before?_  
Phil stormed off into his bedroom before Dan could see the tears in his eyes. Dan sighed, close to tears himself. _I suppose that wasn't unexpected._ _It shouldn't hurt so much. There's the second time he goes to his room. _  
Dan walked slowly to Phil's door, leaving the computer behind him, navigating in the darkness of the hall. Knocking politely, extending the same courtesy Phil always had to him, Dan said quietly, almost a pleading murmur "Phil? Phil, please..."  
"What? Leave me alone!" Anguish was evident in his voice, muffled by the rustle of cloth.

_I can't risk him doing it more._  
"I can't stand it when you're mad at me. I do care. I swear I do. I wish I could show you how much I did, I just don't know how to. I don't know how to do anything. You helped me through my crisis when I was in uni and now it's my turn. I don't know how to help and it's killing me. Please, Phil, come out, yeah?"

There was an eerie silence that made Dan shudder, and feeling uneasy he pushed the door handle down. It stuck. Phil had locked the door, the creak of wood evident in the increasingly scary silence. _Shit, shit shit shit. Phil._ "Phil, Phil please... Don't do this... Please. "

* * *

Dan paused at the door to decipher the wave of emotions overcoming him over the past few hours; he didn't want to suddenly blurt out something he shouldn't.

He realised was jealous of Mike, but not why.

He realised how close he and Phil had been- closer than most best friends were. There was always a thin line between a relationship and friendship. But somehow, he'd ruined that without realising it. It shocked him to think that he might feel more than friendship to Phil- but he didn't know what it was. He was attracted to Aisling, but with Phil- he just wasn't sure.

It would be strange to be attracted to one's best friend, especially if they had their own little relationship going on.

He felt angry because Phil didn't trust him-

And he felt ashamed, because all of this had happened because of him:

Phil found Mike because Dan had Aisling over.

Phil cut –possibly- because of him; Phil had said 'before'.

He didn't know for sure until this morning- and how he hadn't noticed before was beyond him.

And he was selfish: and his selfishness had made him blind.


	5. Chapter 5

Phil, for one, felt both horrible and wonderful at the same time, since keeping quiet had always been both his weakness and his weapon. Dan caring, for one, was a sight to see, and he, Phil, was in power. Dan wasn't the one with all the attention for once; but he still felt horrible. Making Dan feel this way was never his plan, it was always why he had hidden his cuts at every expense.

Dan sat outside Phil's room, not caring what anyone thought of him he let the tears roll down his cheeks. _If he's hurting himself because of me..._

"Phil, Phil please… Let me in." He leaned his head against the door, his fringe brushing against the smooth wood, waiting for a reply. "Phil, come out. I'll make you tea?" Phil mumbled, humbled by Dan's efforts. _Tea has to work._

Dan walked slowly to the kitchen, filled the kettle with water and then switched it on. He got a bowl out of the cupboard and filled it with cereal, carefully following Phil's instructions: He lined the bowl with wheaties and then filled the other half with Shreddies before soaking it in milk. Dan balanced it carefully on a tray, placing the hot steaming tea beside the bowl, taking it to Phil's door. He knocked gently with one hand. "I brought you frosted wheaties." _Phil, come on, please... _ Hearing a sigh, he bit his lip. _The moment of truth..._

Dan heard the click of the door unlocking, metal grating against metal, cringing internally as he saw Phil's paler than usual, unhappy face as it creaked open.  
_Oh god. I caused this by asking him what was wrong?_  
Phil's mouth half lifted into a sad, drooping smile as he opened the door wider to let Dan in. He noticed Dan's red, half shuteyes and couldn't help himself any longer. He threw his arms around Dan's neck, bursting into tears. He realised that Dan was in tears as well, and his muscles tensed as Dan moved slightly, wrapping him closer before Dan pulled away.

"Hey, hey... watch it. I have a tray with breakfast on it. Let me at least put it down." "Okay." Phil sounded reluctant to let go, giving Dan a moment to remember Phil was possibly bisexual, even a closeted gay_._ Placing the tray down on the bed, Dan gave Phil an actual hug, invading the space he'd always wanted to be in. Dan hugged him tighter, taking in a slightly raspberry scent as he felt the older boy's thin body shudder against him, evidently crying once more. Rubbing his back, Dan felt the ripple of thin cotton against spine, the sound of Phil's muted sobbing filling the room. Dan fought the urge to play with Phil's hair, instead hurling his fist at the base of his neck, hoping Phil wouldn't notice_. _Phil felt Dan hug him closer at the thought, enjoying it, but worried, he asked "Dan? What's wrong?"  
"I'm just worried about you... and I feel like a complete idiot. How could be so blind?" _Love is blind. Who came up with that saying again? It makes you want to see how they actually perceive you, trying to make them jealous..._  
"You think I didn't try to hide it? I mean... I mean how did you even see it in the first place?"  
"Well, you were sort of half naked. Hard not to notice... Phil..." Dan pulled away reluctantly, already missing the feeling of Phil's soft hair against his cheek, fighting his need to cry.  
"Yes?"  
"Phil..._Why_?"  
Phil shrunk slightly at the immense question. _Why couldn't it be why is the world spinning round?_  
"I... you- you wouldn't understand." he stuttered, sitting back on the bed, the duvet crinkling under his weight as he took a sudden interest in the back of his hands.  
Dan's fingers trembled he crossed one of his legs, revealing, with the movement of his trousers, several pink, shiny scars.  
"Maybe I do, Philion. Maybe I do." He responded indistinctly. _Oh god. Why did I show him? Wouldn't that encourage him? This is going too fast. I could say something completely wrong._  
"Dan-" Phil breathed, his eyes widening at the implications of his small comment- shocked at Dan's scars. He knew Dan had gone through a moment, but- _Philion?_ "Dan, why?"  
"Phil Lester, you will answer my question first. That is how communication works."  
Phil sighed sadly, taking a deep breath to calm his nerves. _How am I going to say anything without admitting to everything._  
"I don't know. I just...", Phil tried to explain. "It's just... Argh.."  
_How am I supposed to say this? I've liked you more than a friend ever since I met you?_  
_"_I don't know how to explain."  
Dan started feeling uneasy again. _Does he really not want me to know? Should I just leave it? I'm bugging him. He still doesn't think I care._

"It's alright.. if you don't want to tell me. I can go."  
"Trust me, that's not it. It's just..."  
"What, Phil?" Dan's voice took on an angry tone, his frustration growing as sadness embedded itself in his mind. _He doesn't trust me anymore... _"What's the point? You won't tell me anyway. You don't trust me anymore, and I'm sorry. You didn't even tell me you were-" Dan glared, pulling a card he knew would hurt "Maybe you'll be able to tell that _Mike of yours_."  
Storming out of the room, he hastily put on his shoes, grabbed his coat and left the apartment.. He didn't want to be in Phil's way anymore, he didn't want to cause him pain. Dan didn't go far. He sat at the top of the stairs, not knowing what to do.  
_Go and tell that Mike of yours then. I don't even know where to go. I always had Phil, or someone with me... Oh god. What am I even doing? I can't leave him. Shit. I can't leave him alone after that, the fuck is wrong with me? See? See, you're so selfish. You don't even _deserve_ him as a friend._

"What's the point? You won't tell me anyway. You don't trust me anymore, and I'm sorry. You didn't even tell me you were- Maybe you'll be able to tell that _Mike _of yours."

Phil flinched as Dan stormed out, tears trickling out of his eyes as he heard the door slam shut. He started to sob. _What's gone wrong so badly that we can't even tell each other things anymore? Why can't he understand it was just hard to tell him... and why is it so hard to tell him? Aren't friends supposed to be honest? I didn't even tell him I was bisexual. _  
_Damnit, Phil. You can't think as to how you' affect others anymore. You only think of how it would affect you. Only bloody you. Worthless piece of shit, making Dan feel... like that. That I substituted him with someone I just met. Especially right after all the conclusions he must have made about Mike and I once we walked in. I don't think he ever knew I was bi. As f that changed anything between us, but it probably made him doubt... god, Phil. What have you gone and done now. Ruined any chance you could've had with him. At least there's Mike. But Mike's not the same. I've only known him for a night and we didn't even have sex. Just a really… intimate tickle fest. _


	6. Chapter 6

Dan didn't go far, his back going rigid as the door to Phil's room slammed behind him.

_Damnit it, does he trust Mike over me? I'm his best friend for god's sake, what did I do wrong? He's only known mike for a day… maybe he trusts no one and keeps it all in? That's even worse. That might be why he cuts, it just bottles up… but _what_ bottles up? I felt worthless, I hated myself... that's why I cut. Why does Phil cut? He's quintessentially intelligent individual; he's as close to perfect anyone can get. _

_Wait, what? What am I thinking… perfect? What the hell?_

_You can't describe your best friend as perfect._

_Thing is it's true: he's kind, caring, and attractive and has close to no flaws… he just puts my cutlery the wrong way._

_And he's my best friend. _

Dan paled as he realized what he had done, his hand grasping the door handle behind him.

_What the hell are you thinking, Dan? Suddenly leaving Phil at his worst moment- and shouting at him?_

_What the hell is going through your head?_

_You hate a guy for even _touching_ Phil…for no reason- and you're definitely not a homophobe._

_Phil cuts but all you're thinking about is how you're calling him perfect? How suddenly, this might change everything when he always has been this way?_

_No._ _Don't even fucking _dwell_ on it._

_Don't_ even _think_ about it until Phil is better.

_Plus- you're straight, you have Aisling, and Phil has motherfucking _Mike.

_You're just jealous of Mike being able to steal Phil so easily. _

_Honestly, Dan- get the fuck back in there. For fuck's sake, what is wrong with you?_

Virtually pushing himself through the door, he was greeted by the sight of a dishevelled Phil, standing up, deep in thought.


	7. Chapter 7

_A night. I've only known Mike a night and Dan thinks I trust him more? I guess he has reason to, seeing Mike thought –or saw- that I was bisexual before Dan even knew it. I don't even think he knows, to him Mike could be another friend, but It's pretty obvious- that's nothing, it's silly even; sexuality was never a thing that bothered either of us. But he should know about the cutting, he has his own scars. I don't understand. He should know how hard it is to tell someone. And we grew apart, after his string of girlfriends. We only talked in the mornings… and when he needed to do a video, or a live show. I don't think he realized we weren't as close anymore. The Phans did, though, at least around Christmas. _

Phil huddled under his duvet once more, hugging himself around the knees, trying to forget the memories of Dan and his ex-girlfriend at Christmas, how alone he'd felt, how it had even showed in his videos.

_And I can't even be angry with him for not understanding me. I don't have one particular reason to… cut. I've been doing it for years. Stopped for a bit, started again... The small things add up. But what are they all? How did I even start?_

Phil jumped up, his duvet falling to the floor, an idea in mind.

_I could write them down. I could write the reasons down until I have them all, and then show him. _

Glancing at his arm, and then at the drawer next to him, he pursed his lips.

_And write the reasons not to. I'll need to throw my old friend out. I need to stop. I need to change, obviously. I can't do this for the rest of my life, however short it is. I need to try and appreciate it, and do what I can with it. I told my fans to, I shouldn't be a hypocrite._

"Phil! Phil don't-" Dan burst through the door, the anguish he felt evident on his face.

Phil looked up, startled out of his thoughts. "Don't what?"

"D-don't cut. Please don't cut." Dan's eyes closed as he realized Phil wasn't even close to it, relief flitting across his features. His fringe drifted over his eyes as he hung his head, a mixture of grief and sadness emanating from him instead.

"I wasn't going to." He kept his voice cold, avoiding Dan's searching eyes, not wanting to meet them for fear of melting in them, giving all his secrets away.

"Phil. I'm sorry, really, I am. I shouldn't have left like that and I'm a horrible friend for not having realised. I just… I just don't understand why you didn't say anything." Dan's voice broke.

Looking up, Phil realised Dan was shaking like a leaf in a storm, his hair hiding tear filled eyes. His eyes softening as he saw the state Dan was in, Phil shakily walked over to him, feeling guilty. He was not on for grudges, especially when it came to Dan. _ Me stupidly falling for you. Feeling worthless._

_What do I say? I have no real reason for cutting. It just...helps. Don't say anything. Don't say anything about his part in it. He knows you're 'bi' but that's all he knows. Keep it that way. _"You didn't do _anything_, Dan. Don't blame yourself, it's all me. It's all in my head."

Biting his lip, Phil walked over to him, hugging him awkwardly with one arm before stepping away quickly.

- Dan's P.

"You didn't do _anything_, Dan. Don't blame yourself, it's all me. It's all in my head." Phil said, a strange look in his eye as he removed his arm. Dan repressed an odd urge to pull him back into a hug, not sure what it meant. _He doesn't trust me, but he doesn't want to say it._

Dan shuffled slightly closer, placing his right hand on Phil's shoulder.

"What's all in your head? What are you thinking?"

Phil blinked; his cheeks going slightly pink at the contact, trying to ignore the sudden urge to lean on Dan's shoulder. "I-…I'm sorry."

_That's not right. I'm the one who's sorry. Who's supposed to be sorry. _Frowning, Dan turned Phil to face him.

"Why are you sorry, Phil? Don't be. Tell me what's going on. Please."

"I'm sorry because I don't know how...to say it. To explain it." Skimming his thumb against his lip, as if he was going to bite it, Phil continued haltingly, his head hanging. "I just feel horrible sometimes, for no reason. And everything comes crashing down."

Dan's stomach dropped, realizing that most of those times he had probably been out with some girl, unknowing and unable to help Phil. Fighting an impulse to push Phil's hair out of his eyes, he let his arm drop to his lap. _What the hell are you thinking Dan. Phil isn't a girl, I doubt he'd appreciate you touching his hair, let alone thinking like this, what's gotten into you?_

"And I was usually out, wasn't I?"

Phil nodded solemnly, already missing the warmth that had been on his shoulder.

"Well...fuck." Dan's mind whirled with emotions and thoughts, trying to make head or tail of them started to become difficult once they were about Phil. Grinning, a twinkle came into his eye as he said "Okay Phil, I have an idea."

"Yes...?" Phil raised an eyebrow, a small smile tugging at his lips in response to the enthusiasm Dan was emitting.

"We start over. Completely. Okay? I'll spend more time with you and- hmm.. it's up to you if you do the same. First, it's-" Dan looked at his wrist before realising he was still in his pyjamas. Glancing back to Phil, who was now grinning at him, he said "Probably around eight or nine. So first we make breakfast- and then we do a day marathon of whatever you want to watch."

Dan looked back down, inspecting his fingernails, unsure of what else to say. _Is that good? Would that make him feel better? Isn't that what we used to do?_

Phil paused before cheerfully hugging Dan, his mood changing with his thoughts. _Dan's trying to make me happy, I might as well make the most of it. _

Dan grinned at him before sliding of the bed, his cheeks strangely darker than usual, picking up the tray on Phil's bedside table. "I'll make pancakes if you choose the movies…"

Phil skipped out of his room, leaving a beaming Dan in his wake.

_This just might work. I need him to open up; I obviously play a big part in this_.


	8. Chapter 8

Phil inhaled happily as the heavenly smell of Delia Smith pancakes wafted through the apartment. His choices were simple; first Kill Bill, then a marathon of Buffy. His favourite movie to watch with his favourite person- and that wasn't his mum. Curling up on one side of the settee, he called Dan over. "Dan, I chose! Do you need help?"

Dan gave him a dimply smile, sticking his tongue out as he balanced two plates in one arm and two cups of tea in the other. "I don't have a trainer for nothing."

Phil laughed, his eyes creasing. "Right, because you train using pancakes."

"We should, it would be a type of motivation." Sitting down, he passed Phil his plate along with a fork and knife, managing not to drop anything.

Dan settled down next to Phil, careful not to touch Phil's arms. "So, what are we watching?"

"Kill Bill then Buffy."

"_All_ of Buffy?"

Phil stuck out his tongue in response, grabbing around Dan for the remote. Standing up, Dan closed the curtains before sitting back down comfortably, taking his plate back form Phil, enjoying the darkness as the movie started. He placed his arm on the back of the settee, sitting back comfortably as Phil ate quietly next to him, realising how much he'd missed these moments. _It's been awhile. You can't watch Kill Bill with girls; all the 'blood' scares them. _He smiled as Phil laughed at the bad effects, enjoying the badass-ness of Uma Thurman. _Seems like it was a god idea. _Finishing his own deliciously golden pancakes, he gathered their plates before taking them to the kitchen, stretching his legs as the Black Mamba decapitated 76 men.

"You're missing the best part!" Phil called from the Sofa, his voice muffled by the cushion he was pressed into.

"No, I'm not! I can see it from here." Dan chuckled as he sat back down, settling into the same position as before. He laughed straight out once Phil used a cushion to cover his eyes, a groan emitted from partially covered lips.

"Honestly. Could they have made the blood more fake."

Glancing over at him, he found himself staring at Phil's lips–glad Phil was still hiding behind his cushion- before stuttering "W-well it _is_ your favourite movie, isn't it?"

"Only because…of reasons." Phil suppressed a laugh, removing his cushion.

Dan recovered himself, strangely feeling like he'd lost himself in his eyes. "From Tumblr now, are we? I thought I was the only one forever on Tumblr."

"I _am_ the dinosaur of the internet! Rawr." Phil faced him fully, curling his fingers as he pounced on Dan, pushing him over.

"Ah! No! The lion tries to get the llama, but the llama spits back!" Dan cuffed Phil's shoulder, lightly pushing him away.

"Don't spit at me!" Phil laughed at him before crawling into a more comfortable position, this sitting next to Dan, under the curve of his arm, as he usually did when they played Crash Bandicoot_._ Dan twitched, suddenly aware of where his arm was in comparison to Phil, no longer sure if his heart was pumping wildly from the surprise attack, or Phil's closeness. Looking away once Phil stretched his neck, Dan turned back to the movie, wincing slightly at the spurts of what looked like ketchup erupting from peoples' necks. _So fake yet so real._ He beamed like a Cheshire cat at the end of the movie, turning towards a yawning Phil.

"What next?"

Phil stood up and stretched, placing multiple disks in the DVD Player so they would play in order. "Buffy, of course! Face the amazing ness of Buffy's face!"

Dan laughed outright, moving to the side once Phil sat down again, resuming his previous position. "So we _are_ watching all of it?"

"Maybe." Phil grinned at him, his eyes sparling, making Dan's stomach lurch strangely. Phil turned his back to him as he crawled to the TV and began switching the DVDs to Buffy.

Catching himself glancing at Phil surreptitiously before forcing himself to turn away, he wasn't sure what as going through his head anymore. Mike had made him realize a few things, and maybe this was one more of them.


	9. Chapter 9- A Rude Encounter

**AN:**  
Hi Guys! Sorry, it's been awhile.

Thanks for the reviews and favourites, and I'm sorry I made you burn your pancakes.

I hope it was worth it :3

- As per usual, _italics_ = characters' thoughts, and if I specify which Point Of View it is (aka Dan's POV) then it is his thoughts. Okay? Okay. –-

**_Any questions?_**

_Wait, before you go and read, I have one for you- _

_how do you put up with me? I feel like the majority of this is so cheesy it would suffocate a few people…_

PS: I should warn you that there is… swearing/cussing in this piece.

It's Dan, what do you want from me ;D

* * *

- Dan POV -

_What a weird day. At least get to spend the day with Phil. It's been...ages._ A knock at the door startled Dan out of his trance, a blush creeping into his cheeks as Phil turned around questioningly. "Who is it?"

Dan's forehead creased as he thought about it. _Who could it be, at ten in the morning? I don't have any plans…dear God I hope it's not Aisling. Maybe it's for Phil… or maybe it's a neighbour. "_I don't know…I don't have any plans for today. I'll go see." Dan pushed himself off the sofa, wincing as the doorbell rang again. "Yeah, coming, sorry!" Dan sauntered to the door, making sure his posture didn't betray his aversion towards whoever was behind the door. Slowly opening the door, his eyes narrowed slightly as he saw who it was. _Damn_. _At least it isn't Aisling._ A certain man of certain bulkiness dressed in a nice two-piece suit was standing right in front of him, his hands in his pockets.

"Hi Mike, come on in." Dan's voice was coloured with disfavour, a bright smile masking his dislike as he motioned for Mike to sit on a stool in the kitchen. _What is he doing here?_ He looked back at Phil, who looked just as surprised as he was. Dan opened the door wider, wishing he didn't have to let him in, though politeness decreed he should.

"Hello Dan, Phil." Mike nodded at both of them in turn as he lumbered in, his eyes crinkling at the sight of Phil lying on the floor next to the TV, an array of DVD cases surrounding him. Dan followed his amorous gaze and winced. _Ugh. You just met him, honestly. _"I'm sorry for popping in out of the blue, but Phil wouldn't answer his phone, and I was wondering if he was free today." _I thought he was at work. And he doesn't look _that_ sorry._ Dan turned towards Phil, his face completely blank as he raised an eyebrow.

Phil shook his head, and Dan wasn't sure if he was refusing Mike's offer or if he was shaking himself out of shock. _Hopefully both_. "I thought you left for work?"

Mike shrugged. "Turns out I have a free day since it's the first day of snow. Being a graphic designer gives me some freedom," Mike looked between them again, turning away from Dan, his lips forming a small smirk as he looked out the window. "and I thought I could spend it with you, since it's _such _a nice day with the snow and all. Look at how beautiful it is." He paused, turning Phil's sprawled form on the ground a few meters away from him. " Will you go out with me today?" Dan bit his lip, battling against the urge to make a "oOoh, first date" gybe. _Oh for god's sake, I thought they just met, couldn't he just call? No, of course he had to come here and ask. Typical._

Phil paused, not noticing Dan's mask drop slightly with dejection before it came up again as he looked at Mike once more. Standing up, he stretched his legs before walking over to him, holding his arms out as if to push him out the door, meeting Dan's eyes as they followed him expectantly. "I'm sorry. I already have plans today."

_Oh._ Dan's eyes widened an ounce as he registered this in relief, hiding a smile behind the back of his hand. _Ha, motherfucker._  
Mike's smirk instantly disappeared, his stare burrowing into Phil for a few moments before smiling again. "Ah. That's… too bad. Mind if I ask what you're doing?" His gaze swept the room once more, taking in the pile of dishes at the sink and the stack of DVDs in front of the television. Phil cleared his throat and leaned on the kitchen counter behind him before crossing his arms. "I'm spending the day with Dan." Mike looked between them once more. "How fun! What will you be doing?" _You sound like my mother. Leave. Please. This is an invasion of privacy come on, leave._

Phil smiled easily as he looked at Dan, his eyes radiating happiness as he thought of the hours to come. " We'll be watching a few…classics. Aka- enjoying Sarah Michelle Gellar's face. We might go out for a bit. Nothing is really concrete yet-" Phil shrugged again. " since I just woke up." _Don't tell him we don't have plans. Then he'll stay longer than necessary and- shit. I need to be a good host. Even if I don't like this him._ Dan shook his head indistinctly before piping up. _Still wonder why I don't. I'll need to figure that out some time soon. _"Would you like some tea or coffee? I was just about to put the kettle on." _Just say nothing, this gives you an excuse to stay longer than I want you to._

Mike frowned, seeming to have just realized Dan was still standing there, and that it wasn't only him and Phil in the room. "I- ah. I'd like a cup of coffee please. Just…just black." Dan nodded and made his way behind the counter as Mike leaned towards Phil once more. _OOooh. We've got a badass over here. Black coffee. Wow. No cream nor sugar. Why don't you make it yourself assho- ah wait. Don't tell me. I'm the bloody host._ He made as much noise as possible as he rustled the coffee packet, clanking spoons and mugs on the counter- anything to show his annoyance without _really_ showing it. _Do I care that I'm acting like a child because of him? No._ He grinned victoriously as Mike glared at him in frustration for a millisecond before turning back to Phil, continuing their earlier conversation. "Maybe we could meet up if you two go out to town today?" _Fat chance. _"Why not, I'll let you know if we go out." _Of course you had to invite him. Now I'm just not going out._ Dan shot Phil a betrayed look before turning back to the coffee machine. _Come on, work faster!_ He smiled a humourless smile at the damned machine while he filled a mug with coffee, turning around just in time to see Mike fall off his stool.

He stifled a laugh before putting on a concerned expression as he placed the coffee on the counter. _What happened there? Did macho dude just get beaten by a stool? Did he ruin his fabulous suit?_ Phil, his eyes wide, looked as if he was about to have a fit of the giggles. "Mike, are you all right?" Mike grunted from the floor, just out of Dan's line of sight. "Yeah, I'm absolutely fine." "Do you need a hand?" "No-" Mike grunted as he drew himself up and straightened his suit. "I'm okay, thanks for asking." Ignoring his mug of coffee, he grabbed at a buzzing sound originating from his pocket. Glancing at it, exasperation flitted across his features." I'm sorry, I need to go. I suppose I should leave you two to your own thing." _That was sudden. I won't insist on the coffee though. By all means, leave._Phil raised his eyebrows and got up, saying nothing as he walked Mike to the door in order to say goodbye.

Dan poured the mug in the sink in distaste. _What a waste. _Once done, he ambled towards the door, his lip curling in disgust the instant he realized Mike had captured Phil in a passionate kiss, his sturdy arms trapping him against the doorframe. _Ugh. In front of me, really? Keep it to the bedroom, honestly._ Coming closer, he realized Phil didn't seem to be enjoying whatever was going on; his eyes were clouded over, his arms hung limp at his side, his his fists clenched as he was pushed against the frame.

Dan frowned, clearing his throat loudly. Completely startled, Mike jumped back a few feet before giving Dan a dirty paused before backing out the door hesitantly, making Dan huff in annoyance. _Why won't you leave already? I have places to go, things to steal, people to kill. Come on, move. You are on your way to becoming one of my first victims. _Narrowing his eyes at Dan as if he could read minds, Mike looked back at Phil as he turned around and ran a hand through the spikes in his hair, messing it up more than it already was. _Eugh, I wonder how much gel coats his fingers now. 5 layers at least, if only from this visit._ "You'll call me if you go out?" Phil nodded his assent, watching him go with veiled satisfaction before shutting the door. _That took long enough._

* * *

PPS: This work has been influenced by Santana and the pull of Latino music (Luna de Fuego anyone?) at 3 am so if there are mistakes blame it on the amazing music I listen to :D

PPPS: I really don't like the name "Mike". Hm. _I really, really want to change it. BUT IT IS NOW THE POINT OF NO RETURN. *sobs*_

_(*whispers* I should really stop the whole PPS thing, shouldn't I?)_


	10. Chapter 10- A small revelation

Hi guys! (Again) I just realized I have a plot hole from the first chapter, but too bad. I'll try and fix those as I see them as I go along. I wonder if I can edit a chapter if it's already published. *cries* I feel like my writing has degraded.  
So. I will try to improve, I promise. Any tips?

PS: I have a question- how old do you think I am based on my writing? (I'm debating with my friend)

PPS: Should I add more descriptions to the dialogue, or would that be too much?

* * *

- Phil POV

"Well... That was eventful." Dan said, scanning Phil's stone still form. _That's an understatement._

Phil's heart was still beating wildly as he looked back at Dan, his thoughts racing. ..._What just happened? I. No. I wasn't expecting that. Nononono I just met Mike. Last night. Not even a date. Why did I ever invite him over? I don't want his tongue shoved down my throat. No. Of all the tongues I'd want down my throat_-  
Dan walked over to him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, turning him so his hazel eyes looked into his own. "Hey. You all right?"

Phil jumped. _It's Dan. It's okay. He'll make me feel better. _"Yeah...Yeah, I'm absolutely fine." He cleared his throat. "Thanks for that."

Dan squinted at him before sitting back down on the sofa. "So tell me something. How did you two even meet?"

Phil frowned at him. _Or he won't._ _I don't really want to be reminded of my stupidity. _"I told you. We met at the bar last night."

"Oh. And you brought him home right after meeting him?"

"…yeah." _Just drop it; I don't want to think about _him_ right now. _

"Ok. Er. Why?" He looked completely lost; wasn't it his job to do idiotic things?

_Why don't I suggest tea? It'll get us off this topic- oh. No, it won't. Dan's stubborn, he'll always come back to it at some point? _

"Well I wanted to show him our YouTube channels... and I was drunk."

"Oh." _Please don't ask why. Let's change topics._

"Dan?"

"Yeah?" Dan glanced between him and the television, not exactly sure what to do, or where this was going based on the topic of conversation.

"When did you meet Aisling then?" _You went out girl hunting, so you basically did the same thing, right? Took a girl home right after meeting her?_

Dan shifted uncomfortably. "Two weeks back." _What._

Phil's stomach churned; he wanted to curl up in a ball and block out the world around him. _Great, more proof we aren't as close anymore; and yet another reason to cut- my own best friend doesn't trust me with anything anymore._ "And you didn't tell me, or introduce her until yesterday?"

Dan's expression was pained as he fumbled with the fabric for his shirt, ducking his head so his fringe would hide his eyes. "…Yeah." _Great._

"Right." Phil voice went cold, his face completely blank. _I should have expected this._

"Look, I'm sorr-"

Phil ploughed through, he wasn't sure he needed an excuse or apology. He needed to forget that Dan didn't tell him this; that Dan didn't trust him with this. "Hey Dan?"

"Ye...ah?" Looking surprised at Phil's sudden interruption, Dan wasn't sure what to make of his questions.

"Why did you lie about Mike about going to Uni?"

"Huh?"

"Well- you said you were still in Uni, and you're not, last time I checked."

Dan blushed, embarrassed. "Jesus Christ Phil, I was trying to make a good appearance. Saying I don't have a job usually makes people pity you or think you're a-" he paused, refusing to meet Phil's eyes "-a vagrant and think you're worthless." Phil's eyes widened. _Is that really what he thinks? Dan, a bum?_

"But Dan, there was no point in lying about it. I said I was a YouTuber too, it's still counted as a job and he didn't think anything of it. He would have realized it at one point. It's the spi-"

"-ral of lies all over again." Dan flashed him a small, knowing smile. "I know. I did the video, didn't I? I wasn't thinking. I didn't plan for it to come out of my mouth, but it did and I guess it's because I was worried."

Phil's frosty demeanour changed immediately, his eyes softening. "Why were you worried, what happened?" _See, Phil? You make things about you, and you don't know what goes on with Dan._

"I- it's nothing now. It's not important." Dan ruffled his hair, turning away awkwardly.

Phil shuffled closer to him. "Come on, tell me, I want to know anyway." _And I get to be close to you in the process._

Dan broke posture, gesturing wildly. "You were out late in the middle of London, Phil, I had no idea where you were. I was planning to tell you about Aisling, and suddenly it's ten o'clock at night, snowing, and anything could've happened to you and I couldn't have done anything about it. I'd called your phone and you hadn't answered, and the next thing I know is you walk in the door looking scared and slightly tipsy with a strange man behind you." _Oh, Phil you idiot. What if you'd been in his place? You'd have panicked. You utter idiot, how can he have you as a best friend?_

Phil grinned at him tentatively, rubbing his arms, glad he had a pullover on to hide his arms. _Well, maybe he does care. If he was that worried. _"Slightly tipsy would be an understatement, I think. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I'd worry you- and that I didn't tell you that I am, well, bi."

Dan threw his head back and laughed. "Phil, it's fine. You're a grown man. It never came up, and I wouldn't have minded if you were straight or gay, or bisexual. You're my best friend, come on, me judging you on who you like would be shallow _as fuck_." "Dan!" Phil gasped mockingly at the cuss. "Hell of a way to come out though. Bring a guy over."

Phil chuckled. "Great thinking on my part, I know. I'm sorry, that must've been terrifying" _Remind me to never, ever do something like that. Everything was ruined after that. You found out about me cutting, and me being bi, all at once._

"I sounded like your worried mother hen, I should be sorry- actually, do you know who _should_ be sorry?"

"Hm?"

Dan nudged him, careful once more to avoid his arms. "_Mike_, because look, he distracted us from Buffy and our day together. Come on, we have a marathon to finish, and we're _still_ on the first season, and we have a day –unless you're free tomorrow too- to finish them."

* * *

AN: Not the best note to end on, I know, but I need to sleep. Ugh guuuuuys. Keeping me awake with your praises and and and nice reviews making me want to write more.


	11. Chapter 11- Starlight

Hey guys! I hit more than 50 follows :3 Can't believe it.

(how you people put up with my slow chapters, I'll never know)

-Speaking of which, have a short, fluffy chapter-

* * *

- Dan POV

Hours passed as Dan and Phil watched their way through Buffy Seasons 1, 2 3 and 4; and Dan found himself slouching on the sofa, slowly drifting off with Phil's head on his shoulder. Strangely enough, he found himself reluctant to move and even more willing to let his arm slide down from the back of the sofa to settle tentatively, yet protectively, on Phil's shoulders.

_Fucking hell, it's been awhile since we've had this kind of day. I hope it helped him. Who knows what's going through my head anymore. Yesterday you were happy to announce your girlfriend, and now you're just as happy to put your arms around Phil. Christ. What is going through your head? Honestly, Dan. We need to think about this. Phil is… kind of sorted out. But you-we- need to sort this out now. It's not just jealousy; it's not just Mike taking Phil away from you.  
_  
He stared out the window, watching the sky darken, large flakes of snow drifting lazily down to blanket their balcony; the city was nowhere to be seen.  
_  
Think about it- how did this all start. Finding out about Phil cutting?  
_  
_ No- it was before that- when you were worried that he didn't come home. Most roommates would be fine with that- but you? Why were you worried? Phil can take care of himself.  
_  
Phil shifted against him, causing Dan's arm to tighten around him.

_But then- he's your best friend. Your only best friend. It's a given to worry about him. So what is it then?_

The fact he has a boyfriend? We've already thought through this bit. But if it's not jealousy- what is it?  
  
Frustrated, he huffed, before turning to Phil, careful not to jostle him. I guess that'll remain a mystery for a while. A small, tired smile graced his face as he realized how close he really was, his lips centimetres apart from Phil's. Though I'd never thought Phil could be seen as a mystery. Jesus, Dan, we'd better figure out what's gotten into you. First your arm, now his lips… His eyelids fluttered shut, the thought of Phil's smiling blue eyes warming him to the core as he subconsciously encasing him with both his arms.

* * *

- Phil's POV

Phil was never one to fall asleep completely when he was on a sofa- let alone watching Buffy. So it came as a surprise to him when he woke up slightly disoriented, viewing Dan's sleeping head from a strange angle, enjoying the sloping curve of his neck. Closing his eyes once more, he slowly came to realize that he had, in fact, been sleeping on Dan's shoulder. His stomach flipped at the thought, not too sure whether to enjoy it or be afraid of what Dan might draw from it and he started to move before questions would be asked, his thoughts racing. How did i let this happen? Did he notice? Shoot.  
Warmth blossomed in his chest as he felt something - he could only assume it was Dan's arms- tighten around him. Oh. Quite liking this development, he stopped moving. At this point, he wasn't too sure what to make of his situation. Should I stay like this, and risk awkwardness- or should I move and pretend this never happened? Dan hugged him closer, as though sensing his hesitation.  
_Stay. Definitely stay._

Phil watched the snow falling, the snowflakes glittering like stars as they fell, Buffy still playing quietly in the background. He was content to be content; he could imagine that this was how things were supposed to be; just him and Dan, together, if only for a few precious moments. _if only. If only this would happen- consciously._  
Dan's other arm made an appearance, encircling his stomach, his hand sleepily landing precariously on Phil's hip. Phil smiled to himself, and curled up against Dan's slumbering body, taking in his, almost completely sure that he was dreaming.  
He felt safe, happy, and warm.  
_Oh yes. If only._

* * *

PS: DovahFinn- Hey, I see you caught me on AO3. *waves* I wish I could hug you! Thanks for all the nice comments. Sorry 'bout the Mike thing xD This character annoys me so much atm. I think we all want him dead omfg

PPS: *cackles* Yes, I am a Sherlock fan. Honestly, Lestrade had to teach me something about caring for people. Although it is _not_ his division, but John's.

PPPS: Should probably note that when the character thinks we- they mean themselves… if that makes sense.

("we" is the character talking to themselves, unless they're talking about several characters together)

Far away, this ship is taking me faraway  
Faraway from our memories  
Faraway from the people who care if I live or die  
~ MUSE  
- guess the song title, I dare you –


	12. Chapter 12- Mr Brightside

AN: HELLO MY FRIENDS –yes you are all my friends- I AM CURRENTLY ON A BOAT IN SICILY. THEREFORE I HAVE NO INTERNET. I AM SORRY FOR NOT UPLOADING.

Erm I am trying to make a few changes, aka: they're in London not Manchester (it makes more sense in context), and I'm also trying to edit a few chapters that annoy me, but it says a few of those chapters have deleted. Anyway around that? Other than that, thanks for the great feedback :D

* * *

- Dan POV

Dan woke up slowly, his eyes fluttering open to a cold and dark apartment. Groggily he looked around, finding himself alone. "Phil?" Standing up slowly and stretching, he grabbed his phone from his back pocket and checked the time. _19:15_. _So where's Phil? _Ignoring messages he had received from Aisling earlier on in the evening, he called Phil's cell. The sound of a buzzing phone reverberated around the quiet apartment. _Jesus Phil. He flicked on the lights. This is the worst time to leave your phone at home. _Looking around the room and spying a white sheet of paper on the counter, he headed over to the kitchen, flicking on the lights and radiator. _"Hi Dan. I'm off to the shops, we're out of food and I'm hungry J. I don't know what you want for dinner, so I'll pick up some Chinese. Sorry for not waking you, I'm in a rush. They close in 30 min. See you soon._"

Frowning, Dan checked the fridge; _Didn't we just receive groceries? We usually order them in, what the hell?_ Opening the fridge door and shivering, he found that it was, indeed, half empty. _Hmph_._ Strange. _Shrugging in disinterest, he instead wondered when Phil would be home- and if he had noticed how they were sleeping before he got up. _Maybe he was in too much of a rush to notice? Checked his phone and flew out the door?_ He found himself hoping Phil wouldn't come home soon as predicted so he could avoid any…awkwardness, awkward eye contact, awkward talks-_ Gah. Why am I worried about this anyway? It's __**Phil**__. It's protective instinct. Yep. That's what it is._

Dan wasn't truly sure why he was trying to convince himself of, and so he put it up to sleepiness. Shrugging once more, this time in uncertainty, he headed towards the shower to clear his head.

As the tepid water splattered against his skin, Dan pondered the meaning of life. Well, not _exactly_. He pondered how Phil fit _into_ his life. _He's been my best friend from the start. Ever since I started...er... stalking... him. Best thing that's happened to me, to be honest._

It was refreshing really, because all panicked thoughts of Phil flew out of his head, and he began to relax. _Showers are great for this kind of thing. Thinking. Yep. Showers make the best places for philosophical thought; And reflecting on days. Today was a great day- even with the hiccup this morning. We got to talk. Hasn't happened in awhile, to be honest. Apart from "hello"s in the morning, I've been busy with…with Aisling. I don't know why I hid her from Phil, really. I think I wanted to get to know her better before I introduced her to Phil, and I think she's all right._ After a quick wash down, he stepped out, shivering at the cold tile making contact with his feet.

Briskly grabbing a towel and placing it against his waist, he walked out, his mind completely elsewhere. That is, until he ran into Phil.

"Ah _shit. _Sorry, Phil. Didn't see you there." _Oh Jesus fucking Christ this is awkward. So much for avoiding that._ _I guess this is how he felt this morning when he walked out in a towel. Hah. Reversed roles. _Readjusting his towel, he straightened, a faint blush creeping up his cheeks. _At least it's not the first time he's seen me half-naked; swimming! Except a towel isn't exactly swimming trunks, is it?_ He looked up to see Phil's face, his eyes averted and face as red as his was, his hair tousled and sprinkled with droplets of melting snow, glimmering in the light of the hallway. A faint humming sound in the background appeared to grow louder with the growing silence, prompting Phil to start first. "Hey Dan, I went out to get Chinese… I hope you're…okay with that.I'm heating it up now." Phil was looking at him now, a smile toying at his lips. Dan stuttered before clearing his throat. "Th-tha-" _Really. I-honestl_y?_ A stutter?_ "That's great, I'm starving! We seriously need to eat lunch if we're going to do whole day marathons." Phil chuckled. "Yeah, I think I woke up because I _was_ hungry." Pausing slightly, he looked Dan up and down with an abashed expression. " I guess I'll..uhm..leave you to it." Dan was thankful for the break from this humiliating situation. Running a hand through his now-curling hair, he fumbled for words. " Oh. Right. I'll…er... get dressed. …Good idea, can't have you admiring my amazingly hot body for too long." He manoeuvred around him self-consciously, quickly closing the door of his bedroom behind him, hearing Phil laugh as he headed to his own room.

- Phil PoV

_ I shouldn't have even left the house. We could've just starved until tomorrow. _Phil was shivering and soaked through by the time he came home, his thin rain jacket having no protection against the gale outside. It was – as Dan would put it- "fucking freezing" outside, and the snow didn't help at all, especially when it flew into his eyes and impaired his vision. Suffice to say, he was happy to be home, and he was happy –exceedingly so- to be in the toasty kitchen as he put the now-cold Chinese in the microwave. Apparently they _didn't_ deliver on Friday nights, especially on cold snowy ones. Shrugging off his jacket, he left the warmth of the kitchen with the thought of going to his room and change into a snug jumper and dry jeans. That thought was completely obliterated when a half-naked Dan in a towel ran into him.

"Ah _shit. _Sorry, Phil. Didn't see you there."

_Well this is _exactly_ the wrong time to be attracted to Dan Howell, isn't it?_

* * *

PS: I need feedback on this one, because I actually planned this out as opposed to just writing on a whim and trying to make it fit in with the rest of the story… so the question is- is there a difference? Like this better? Less?

PPS: Anyone want to do a Shakespeare with me, and make up words? (and make our own dictionary?

PPPS: I have also decided to make most of my titles song names/lyrics that fit with the fic, so if you can guess the artist, you get free invisible…uhm… unicorns.


	13. Chapter 13 - Welcome to the Black Parade

AN: Hey guys! Ok. First thing's first, I updated Chapter 12, so check that out just in case you missed something, and if you didn't, well- continue on!

Warning: Do not raise your hopes, this is (as usual) a boring filler chapter.

* * *

"Hello?"

"Hi Dan, it's me, Aisling. I called earlier?"

Dan rolled his eyes, not deigning to pause before he lied "Oh! I'm sorry, my phone died and I've left it charging since…"

"Uhm…okay." She didn't sound convinced. "I was wondering- do you want to go to the New Year Parade with me tomorrow?" _I can't brush her off forever._

"It's tomorrow?!" _It was Christmas like… 3 days ago. How._ "…yeah."

"Right. Okay give me a second, need to talk to Phil." Covering the mouthpiece, he didn't hear her huff in frustration. He walked back into the living room. "Phil-" Phil paused the television, turning to him slowly. _I want him there, but- _"Aisling's inviting me to go to the New Year's Parade tomorrow." His brows furrowed slightly. _I don't want him to be alone._ "Maybe you can come with us and invite Mike?" The name tasted foul in his mouth, and he half grimaced with the effort of sounding inviting. Phil looked hesitant, his eyes dark. "Uhm, sure. Why not? I'll text him. See if he's game." "Perfect." Dan flashed him another fake smile and turned around once again, uncovering the mouthpiece on the phone. "Hello?" "Hi." "So Phil can go, do you mind if he brings someone else along?" "No, no of course not." Her voice trembled slightly, and he wondered if it was the line- or her getting annoyed with him. _To hell with her if she doesn't want Phil around. _Disgruntled, he found himself impatient to end the conversation. "Great! I'll see you … tomorrow, then. What time do you want us to meet up and… where?" A map of London played out in his head. "Isn't the London parade a few blocks off your street? We could come get you once we're off the tube…"

"Perfect, I was about to suggest that." She purred, causing an image of her green eyes eying him seductively danced in the far edges of his memory. "I'd say around 11 or 12, at least call me once you're on your way." He shook his fringe out of his eyes, his voice trembling slightly with excitement. "All right. I'll see you then. Good night." "'Night, Dan."

* * *

- Phil PoV

Phil was apprehensive once Dan walked back in, covering the mouthpiece. _Aisling inviting him out, I bet_."Aisling's inviting me to go to the New Year's Parade tomorrow." _And? Off he goes leaving me alone again. _He masked his hurt expression with a curious one. _Maybe it's good if he leaves. Give me some time to adjust, meet up with Mike… _Dan's brow puckered as he continued, "Maybe you can come with us and invite Mike?" _Oh. Now that's a development. What would Aisling say to me bringing… a guy for couple... purposes. _He fought to hide a grin. _This'll be fun. Although- does Dan really want us there, or is he just being polite? _"Uhm, sure. Why not? I'll text him. See if he's game." _Oh, don't be ridiculous. Dan wouldn't be inviting you if he didn't want you there. _"Perfect." Dan's tone was short and clipped as he flashed Phil a smile that didn't reach his eyes before walking out of hearing range once more. _What's up with him?_ His mind immediately jumped to his earlier conclusions. _He doesn't really want me, or maybe _us_ there. Well. _He turned back to the television, forcing himself the tear away his lingering stare. _I don't particularly want to be around him and Aisling being all lovey dovey either. We'll need to separate once we're there, or something. I don't think I could stand standing around Aisling for more than a minute or two. The sad thing is she hasn't even done anything wrong._ _It's all me… as usual._

He lodged a pillow between his chest and his legs, his fingers digging into the , trying desperately to get back into the movie and ignore his sad thoughts.

He listened to Dan's footfalls as he came back in, keeping his eye trained on the television. He honestly had no idea what was going on_, _and hoped Dan wouldn't ask what he'd missed. He said nothing as Dan half-skipped into the room and plopped back down on the sofa, placing his feet on the coffee table. He curled up even more around the cushion in his lap, forcing his expression into a careful mask, bringing his knees even closer despite the discomfort. Breaking the silence a few minutes later, he asked "When is the parade tomorrow, then?" He grinned lopsidedly as Dan jerked in surprised at his voice. "We'll have to leave around eleven to get to her house- should we meet up with Mike along the way, or…?" _Of course Dan knows where her house is_. Phil was too focused on controlling his voice to notice the sneer in Dan's voice as he said 'Mike_.'_ "I haven't talked to him yet, my phone's still in my room." Dan barked out a laugh, the shadows in the room masking the hard lines forming on his face. "Did you lose it _again?_" "I _didn't _lose it, though. It's _still _in my room." Dan snorted in disbelief. "Sure, Phil, sure."

"It is." Phil swatted Dan with his pillow, unfurling stiffly from his former position. "I can prove it." Stepping over Dan's legs, he walked towards his room with purpose. _Might as well get to asking Mike in the process._

* * *

- Dan PoV

Dan watched him leave, amused and a bit disappointed. _At least he's coming. That's a first. I'm sure we'll split though. Don't really want to watch Mike snog his face off again. Eugh. Even worse than a snog with a girlfriend, because honestly, I don't think Phil wanted that to happen. He looked really fucking uncomfortable. That's the thing with snoggi-_ "Ha!" Phil's victorious shout broke through his thoughts. "Ha?" He brandished the phone in front of him. "a) I have my phone and b) _Mike_ said he can come." _That was a speedy response. _Dan's enthusiasm dropped a notch. _Somehow I was still hoping Mike couldn't make it. Jesus. I guess he's one of those people you just don't like, even from not knowing them. Hm. Disliking people at a glance. Never happened before now. Getting to know people before judging them has always been a rule, but there's a first time for everything, right? _He watched half heartedly as Phil bounded about the room, the movie now completely discarded. "Apparently it's going to snow tomorrow too!" Dan groaned inwardly. "Great, so we get to freeze our tits off whilst walking with a great mob of people." "Oh come on! Don't be so pessimistic. It's _snow_. _In_ _London._" Dan flapped his hand at him in disdain. "So? It happens every year, Phil."

"Yes, but _snow_." He'd be lying if he said Phil's sudden cheeriness wasn't infectious. Except for the fact that it was thanks to Mike.

That made all the difference.

* * *

Hello, hello

I was expecting this to be a bit longer to be honest, but I have a terrible case of just wanting to shut down and sleep forever because school starts in less than a week) so I'll update the next few chapters in the next few days, most of them are already done. (The beauty of planning ahead).

Right. Uhm.

Find me the means to kill my OC characters. (I could always do a Moffat. Hm)


	14. Chapter 14 - Roger Rabbit

AN: People I found a person on Tumblr called _Aisling_ and they're a Dan and Phil fan and they had this _awesome _game idea of youtuber guess who and I want it. Imagine if she found this fic aah.

Also- are you all reading this on your phones or computers? If you're on your computers then watch this link because look: watch?v=WjpR0Re1jDU

It's amazing. And also this to cheer you up afterwards watch?v=FtdGwiMtZ08 because it is necessary in life to have seen this video.

* * *

- Dan PoV

Dan's alarm reverberated around the apartment with loud staccato beeps. He groaned as he got up, stretching his aching back. _Fell asleep on the sofa, again. Never again, jesus fucking Christ. Twice in a day. _Blinking to get the sleep out of his eyes, he made his way slowly to the kitchen. Making a coffee for himself and switching on the kettle for Phil, he traipsed to his room with the mind of changing and having a quick breakfast before heading out.

"Phi-il get up. We have an hour." "I'm already up." _Of course he is. _"Pff early bird." He could practically hear Phil roll his eyes at him through the wall. Grinning, he pulled on a shirt and a jumper in a careless fashion, not even thinking about slipping on his pair of skinny black jeans. Brushing a hand through his hair, he stumbled out the door, failing miserably at avoiding the haphazard things scattered on the floor of his room. "Dan, hurry up, your coffee is getting cold." "Yes, well, excuse me for tripping on-" he caught sight of Phil, dressed much more nicely than usual_. He looks great. And I mean that in every non-homosexual way that exists. "_Dressed to impress, are we?" He laughed, though not unkindly. The tips of Phil's ears went pink. "No. Dressed to be warm. You are going to freeze." Dan shrugged and sat down next to him, trying to avoid staring at Phil for too long. _Obviously he's dressed up. First date. Woo. Great. Wonderful. _"I did tell you I'd freeze my tits off." He said, reaching for the toast in front of him. "Thanks for making delicious toast, though." " Youb're Welcohm." Phil mumbled, his mouth full. "Doesn't make up for amazing pancakes, though." Dan laughed. "Nothing makes up for Delia Smith pancakes. Except _more_ Delia Smith pancakes."

"True, true." He paused and looked at the clock on the oven. "Oh, shi- shoot." Dan turned to him with a raised eyebrow. "What?" "Look at the time." He sighed. "We'll have to run to the tube if we want to catch the next train." _10.23. Shoot._ "I've only been awake 15 minutes!" Phil laughed as he got up, quickly taking their dishes to the sink. "Your fault, not mine." Dan got up and pulled on his shoes, taking a warm jacket. As he waited, he looked at the dismal grey weather outside, thick snow blurring the view of the city. Phil was already at the door by the time Dan turned around. "Ready?" "Yeah. We do need to hurry." "Phil, I swear to god, if you make me take the stairs-" "But, exercise!" "Then I will remain a fatass for the rest of my life. Done." Phil laughed. "I was actually going to say we take the elevator, but, hey, stairs sound good…" "No! My poor back could never take it!" He held his back in mock pain. "Agh, see, just walking kills me." "What, did you sleep on the sofa or something?" Phil asked, locking the door behind them. Dan grinned at him sheepishly, sarcasm lacing his voice as he responded. "No, of _course_ not,why_ on earth _would I do that." "You do know that you really shouldn't do that." Phil said as he walked out the door. "I think you already know it's bad for your back, so I won't say anything." "Yeah, I feel that bit." He groaned, trying to stretch it out."You look like an old man." Phil sniggered. "You need to learn to respect your elders." Phil laughed openly this time. "Hah, out of the both of us, who's the elder?" "Wait, in mentality or in age?" Phil swatted him. "Shut up." _I missed this. It's good we can joke like this again. Fuck, it's been awhile._

* * *

- Phil PoV

Phil checked his watch as the elevator doors opened. "Dan, we seriously need to jog to the tube station." "Oh, great. We get to test my thor-like physique." Taking off at a light jog, they arrived just as the train was coming in, the people streaming in the station with them not helping the situation at all. Phil wrinkled his nose at the smell and the busy people pushing him out of the way, not too sure the parade was worth all of this.

"Where are we meeting Mike?" Dan panted beside him, a light sheen of sweat on his forehead. _And yet he still manages to look attractive. I wonder how I look. I'm dressed even warmer than he is, and I'm boiling._ They squeezed into the bustling crowd on the train, and found themselves close enough to be hugging. _We can barely breath in here. Why did we have to go at rush hour? It's a parade day. Everyone takes the tube. _He let his gaze wander over to Dan, who looked extremely uncomfortable with the sheer amount of bodies sagging against him. Shooting him a sympathetic look, he looked out the window,–glad, for once, that he was taller than most of the people around him. Riding around on trains had instilled a sense of calm into him, the objects rushing by were never fully formed, and always added to the sense of being in a dream. Usually the reason he rode around on trains was to escape Dan and his girlfriend- but now it was with him, and they were on the way to go see her. It was painfully ironic.

* * *

The building where Aisling lived was –to put it simply- as ugly as an old apartment building could get. Its bland grey walls were covered in graffiti, accentuating the shining red door out of which an Aisling came as soon as Dan had pressed the doorbell. _I swear she was probably looking out of one of those windows. No one comes out of the house that fast- and dressed- if they weren't expecting it._

"Hello-" "Hi, Dan!" Aisling squealed as she opened the door, ignoring Phil as she rushed by him to throw herself at Dan, who accepted her embrace hesitantly. She was dressed in a thick blue trench coat cinched at her waist, her hair perfectly curled and framing her face, bringing out innocent- yet provocative-looking green eyes. _She's almost _too_ perfect. Perfectly tailored to be exactly what a man looks for in a woman. _He winced at the thought. _Good thing I'm not attracted to her. That would get awkward very fast. _Brushing his hands through his hair, he found any reason he could to not stare at Aisling, her arms in a loose circle around Dan's waist, a small smile curving her full lips. Trying as hard as he might, he doubted he could find anything wrong with except for the fact that Dan _had_ to choose her as his girlfriend. _Except the most innocent ones always end up being the most insane ones. Phil, you're being silly. You're just trying to convince yourself she's wrong for him. _

"Dan-" he started, reaching out and placing a hand on Dan's shoulder, "-we've got to go. We need to fetch Mike, remember?" He ignored the Aisling sent his way as Dan disentangled himself from her vice-like grip. _If looks could kill_, _I would probably be roasting nicely in hell. _"Mike?" Aisling questioned, her eyes shifting from the hand lingering on Dan's shoulder to Phil's face, her eyes narrowing a fraction as her eyes met his. "Phil's…friend." "Ah." _I do exist, you know._

The ringing of Phil's mobile cut through the tense silence. He walked a few metres away, turning his back to the couple behind him. "Hello?" "Hi Phil, it's me, Mike." "Oh, hello!" Phil's tone lightened. _Finally a distraction- and a good one at that. _"Where are you now?" "We just picked up Dan's girlfriend and we're making our way back to the underground. Are you there yet?" "I'm making my way there too, no worries. We'll meet at the entrance, yeah?" "Yeah. It won't be hard to miss us. We'll be arriving in about ten or so minutes." "Okay… see you there, then." _He sounded worried. About what, is the question._

* * *

- Dan PoV

_How do the spikes stay? They don't. even. move. How does a guy put that much gel in his hair and yet no one assumes he's gay until he comes out and says it? Is that how Phil met him in the first place? Were the spikes drenched in gel a huge flag saying hello come talk to me for I am gay? _Dan eyed Mike and Phil in front of him, laughing at something he couldn't hear, his stomach curling with something he couldn't identify. _I'm not too sure I want to go anymore. Just stay at home and watch more Buffy with Phil. Hm. _Dan's lips curled in disgust as another person managed to touch his neck, leaving a wet residue. _Eugh. It had to snow before we got there. So everyone's wet _and _rubbing against us. Oh. _ His mouth curled into a smirk at the innuendo. _Hah._ Aisling entwined her hand with his, her leather gloves chafing the insides of his fingers. Phil tugged at his other sleeve, a small smile lighting his face. _Is Mike really the one that made him this happy?_ "This is our stop."

They –and half the carriage- were herded out into the cold air, their breath turning to mist. Snow was falling once more, and the sky was dark with clouds. The parade itself was extravagant- officers were dressed in rainbow coloured suits, marching bands blasting their way to the front, gymnasts wheeling past them. Dan shivered, feeling too cold to appreciate the show around him. "Jesus." Phil looked over at him, stuck between pity and amusement. "I told you you'd be cold." "Yeah, yeah. I know." Sighing, Phil passed over his coat. "You are so lucky I was prepared for this weather." Dan opened his mouth to protest, snapping it shut as Phil continued. "No. Put that coat on. If you catch another cold, I'm going to get it and I've had enough sniffles this winter without your help." "…yes mum." Dan shrugged on the thick coat, revelling in its warmth. "Thank you." Phil shrugged and turned back to Mike and Aisling with a smile. "What do you guys want to do?" Aisling glanced at Dan, her sweet voice filled with zest. "We could grab a coffee or a hot cocoa. Goodness knows Dan and I could go for one." Phil stuffed his hands in his pockets. "Why not? Something to warm my hands with." Mike nodded his assent. Making their way to a steaming stall, Dan and Aisling were left behind as Dan and Phil offered to pay for the drinks.

"Dan." "Hm?" Dan tore his eyes away from the pair and back to her, meeting her piercing pea green eyes and grinning at her tentatively. _I really don't like the looks in her eyes._ He shifted uncomfortably under her unfaltering scrutiny. "What's going on between you and Phil?"

* * *

AN: I hate commas. No. I love commas. Commas. Not to be confused with comas. Hm. I use them too much. Not comas. Commas. Those. I use those too much.


	15. Ch 14 (and a half) - Just another blow

AN: decided I'd update so you have something more this week because school just started and urgh. Who knows how often I'll update then.

No fancy song title today.

It just hit me that I've never really described Mike in detail. Shame on me. I'll try and fix that.

* * *

- Dan PoV  
Dan's eyebrows almost met his hairline. "I'm sorry?" "What's going on between you and Phil?" She reiterated, her voice lowering accusingly. _What has gotten into her head? I thought today was actually going well. _"I don't understand what you mean." "You guys act like a couple." What? When? "What? How?" "Dan, he gave you his coat." Jesus what is it with people. The phans. Then her. He stared at her, incredulous. "Right. That definitely shows we're a couple." "Most 'friends'," she did air quotes in the air, her breath coming out in puffs "would tell the one missing his coat to 'suck it up'." Dan half shrugged. "Well obviously Phil's not like that. Why do you think him being nice to each other is us being together?" he smiled at her, taking her hand reassuringly. Why does this always happen? Her brow furrowed. "I don't understand." He paused, looking for the right words. "Aisling. Phil and I- we're just friends. Best friends. Nothing more."

_But that's not exactly true, is it?_

* * *

- Phil POV  
Phil walked slowly towards them, not particularly inclined to go and see another couple getting all lovey-dovey (_let alone Dan_) his mind fixed on Mike trudging behind him. _What's wrong with him? Does he even want to be here? He sounded happy enough when we met him at the station. Might as well ask now before getting back to Dan. _

"Mike?" Mike looked up from the snow coating his rubber boots, his unusually murky gray ones meeting Phil's own. "Yeah?" "You haven't said much. Is something wrong?" "No… no, just something happened at work that's bothering me and I couldn't sleep. I'm sorry. It shouldn't be, especially not today." Phil graced him with a bright smile. "Maybe by lunch you'll cheer up. Or wake up. Today's supposed to be fun. Imagine throwing coffee on your boss." Mike barked out a laugh. "I'll try. I'm sorry. Let's get back to the others before this coffee cools." Phil looked down at the coffee in his and Mike's hands and turned around. "Good idea." _Completely forgot about that. Wow. _"Wait- Phil." "Yeah?" "What do you say to splitting up after this? Into separate groups? So we leave them," he gestured to Dan and Aisling figures with his head "to do their own thing, and we do our own, then meet up for lunch or something? I have a feeling that then I'll actually be…awake enough by then to have a full conversation." Phil nodded enthusiastically. _Finally_ _an excuse to escape them._ "Sure. We should get these to them and drink ours before they freeze in our hands, don't you think?" "Lead the way." Mike was decidedly in a better mood, albeit fractionally, by the time they'd walked the few meters into Dan and Aisling's hearing space.

Phil regretted leaving them alone for a few minutes- they'd gradually moved closer and closer, Aisling's hand clutching Dan's, their heads close in a quiet discussion.

"Aisling. Phil and I- we're just friends. Best friends. But friends."  
The quietly uttered words cut through the din of the high-spirited crowd around them, crystal clear the Phil's ears.

Though Phil had heard these words plenty of times before- this was his breaking point. The words he'd heard dozens of times before in videos and conversations; then, they'd stung, but now- now it was how sincerely he had said them, with him nearby- to his girlfriend, holding her hand, just after having spent day together. That was what set it in cement. The hand, of all things, made it clear. Acting as connection between Dan and Aisling. Dan's olive skin against Aisling's fairer one. It didn't help that she was almost as pale as Phil; his imagination would've gone wild with the image ... Had Dan not said those words. _'Just friends.' Oh. That's wonderful to hear. Just great. _He fought to keep his cheery smile, flourishing the steaming cups of coffee. _What did you expect, Phil? Him _not_ to say it? What, just after him spending the full day with you yesterday? You think that changed anything? It's not like he knows why you cut anyway. I don't understand why it hurts now. No, _he corrected himself, wincing subconsciously, _why it hurts more now. It wasn't the first tome Dan had iterated them. It's not like I thought we'd be more than 'just friends'._ Pretending to not have heard a thing – and how Aisling's mouth curved into a smug smile the minute she saw him arrive- was just another blow to the stomach. It was as if she knew what was going through his head- and he wouldn't be surprised if she did.

_Don't look at him. Don't look at him. Don't. Look. _Phil cleared his throat softly, fixing his eyes away from Dan, pretending to stare in awe at the acrobatics of the performers behind them. "Look at that?" "What?" Mike walked up to him, pushing up the hood to his thick, studded leather jacket, barely able to fit it over the spikes in his hair. Placing his hand on Phil's shoulder, his previous dark mood forgotten, he repeating his question curiously. "Look at what?" Phil jumped at the contact, not expecting the baritone voice behind him. His eyes slid over Dan as he looked up in surprise. _Don't look at Dan. Don't look at him. Don't. _Phil continued the mantra in his head, knowing that if his eyes were to meet Dan's –who didn't know what he'd done wrong- everything would go downhill. He smiled tightly. "Oh, one of the performers was really flexible." Dan cleared his throat suggestively. "Flexible, huh?" He yelped as Aisling whacked his arm, shaking as he laughed silently, his hair falling in front of his eyes. _Ah. No direct eye contact. _Phil sighed inwardly with relief, his face slackening from its previous tension, his jaw loosening. "Thanks for getting the coffee, Phil… and… Mike, right?" Aisling reached for the two steaming cups in Phil's hands, handing one to Dan, who'd stopped shaking. It wasn't a question; she'd made it sound like a statement. The tone said no matter if his name was Mike or- it would be to her, and no one could dispute it, and Phil hated her for it. _If she's this forceful with strangers… imagine how she is with those close to her? Could she force Dan away from me if she found him threatening?_

Mike turned from Phil's shoulder, his eyes burning into her as he reacted to her flippant tone. "Yeah, that's me." Ignoring his looming presence over her petite figure, she turned her gaze to Phil, her lips curving menacingly as she addressed him. "So if something's not going on between you and Dan-" _Well that's obvious, isn't it. That's your job. _Phil thought venomously as she continued, half-hoping he wasn't glaring at her, knowing he'd have to explain it to Dan later if he did. _Something I don't particularly want to do._ She continued, either ignoring or not noticing the two pairs of glaring eyes watching her. Aisling pointed at them with a careless finger. "What's going on with you two?" _That's the big question, isn't it. _

* * *

AN: Not my best chapter. Eugh. Don't really like how I wrote this one. I feel like it's missing..._something_ and I can't pinpoint what. More detail? _Umph_? Something exceedingly dramatic?

Any tips on improvement?

In any case, I'll probably update it at some point this week/weekend (whenever I get the chance), so check in once every so often?


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